2002-03-17 12:24 p.m.

"queer as me" - a borrowed title.

okay.

last night. i'm still hurting from it. physically anyway. i'm reeling emotionally.

last night i went to le drugstore with lisa. drugstore is a big beautiful gay bar in the village with about eight floors and a very neon decor. huge. we split a pitcher.

there we have our first (and most probably last) interesting and heartfelt conversation in our self-admitted superficial relationship. our other conversations are just witty banter, which i'm all for usually. except this was a nice change.

after drugstore, we leave for magnolia, a bar/club a few blocks down. it was still early (11.30) so we sit for a bit. the dancefloor is empty, except for a few people loitering about, waiting for someone to make the first move. so we do. but as soon as we get up the music dies and we make a mad dash to sit as to not further embarass ourselves.

music comes back on, we're ready. starts off with two, then the loiterers join in. then some sitters join in and it's a party.

and this being pretty much new to me, i was having a great time. and i was so happy to be gay. girls on girls, guys on guys. normally the sight of to girls groping eachother would make me grimace but that night i just smiled and kept dancing. then we got on the podium. sweaters came off and i was sweating more than i ever have in any sort of regular physical activity. ie gym class. i start dancing with two boys (a couple) and there are eyes and there are hands but i'm just happy dancing. really happy. we get too exhausted to remain on the podium so we step down and go back to the floor, i go back to the boys. lisa has some girl behind her and she doesn't notice - that was a good thing. not lisa's type.

i am having a great time (besides the aching knees) and nothing could bring me down. except one thing - spence.

if you don't know spence, well, that's a good thing, but you should still read this. oy.

he brings two friends with him who are cute and who dance with me but the mood is still ruined. i have to be home by one, it's twelve fifty. and home is at least 45 minutes away. i go. lisa stays. that sucks.

i get over it quickly but i can't help feeling a little gross and/or weird as i walk out into the freezing cold in a tight little tshirt. eventually i got both my sweater and my jacket on (which was pulling this off-the-shoulder thing i appreciated) and walked to the metro. metro equals subway.

a discman-less ride home let me think. somehow spence made me jealous. i don't like him and i would never EVER get together with him again for sooo many reasons, but he seems to be doing well for himself. many boyfriends and many 'encounters'. what have i done since i gave him his first time?

nothing. i got new shoes.

let's just hope that this laurence lisa is setting me up with is absolutely perfect. both hot and cute and smart and funny and sweet and thoughtful and cuturally diverse and socially aware and totally in love with me.

yeah, right.

i need a boyfriend who needs me.

and i need him right now.

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